


Gay for James May!

by jadexleah



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cliche, Coffee, M/M, Slurs, Tropes, but its for comedy, jez is a hopeless bisexual and a mess but james loves him regardless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 11:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadexleah/pseuds/jadexleah
Summary: A slight caricature of Clarkson, but not OOC. His trope fantasy comes true, I try to be funny, James is hopeless etc etc. They're both really cute together omg.





	Gay for James May!

If anything, Hammond should be his first choice- in fact, his _only_ choice, if ever he were to incline to certain homosexualist ways. Not that he was a queer who hosted Top Gear. That would be wrong, because he'd always completely enjoyed the company, lust and love of women. Boobs! Oh, how could he live without them? Why oh why would he ever want another cock except his own.... except, hmm maybe he was thinking of another-

  
"...Co-ck!"  
  
Jeremy looked up, startled, from his cooling cup of tea, and woke up out of his reverie, to James's insufferably cute expletive. He and the spaniel were in the portakabin, with the hamster considerably late, as usual, and Jeremy of course was overthinking, also as usual, when James had spilt his coffee down his shirt; yes, like usual. All in all, a normal day at the office. Jeremy observed James's head swivel side to side in a fruitless attempt at spotting tissues to mop up his faux pas, and then spotted the devastating realisation on his face that the newspaper was the only option. Suddenly, a rather startlingly erotic image plastered itself in Jeremy's head in what can only be described as a massive romcom trope. He imagined himself being the one to accidentally spill the coffee over James and desperately try to dry his non-damp crotch and James would have to take off his top. Mmmm yes, yes, oh god, James May without a top. He was almost salivating at the thought, thinking what it would be like - hypothetically of course, he wasnt a homo - to feel James's bare chest against his, the feel of him in his hand...  
  
"SORRY IM LATE!!"  
  
The door burst open, a flurry of youthful looks, dyed hair and whitened teeth flying through the door, and the sheer shock caused Jeremy to spill his although-cooling-still-quite-hot tea all down himself, and his first reaction was to take his pants off, so his crotch didnt get a Freddy Kruger makeover, whilst, unbeknownst to Jeremy, James had actually started to take his shirt off.  
  
As the hamster took in the scene, and the other two became aware of their own actions, they all froze.  
  
"Why are you shirtless, why are your pants down and why are you both covered in.... is that? What are you both covered in? Coffee? See I'm more of a tea-drinker myself..."  
  
Even though there was no saucy, sinister plot, Jez felt guilty anyway. Somehow he believed that Hammond would be able to see his gayness for May. His mayness. Yes, he was a self-proclaimed maysexualist. But he didn't want, need, or _care_ for Hammond to know that!  
  
As both of Hammond's coffee-d co-presenters came up with an explanation, James's being the most truthful, Jeremy's being a little... unorthodox, all three of then realised what a long day today would be.  


***

When he heard the knock on the door, he was expecting... well nothing. He was almost not going to answer it, but he thought, why not. Maybe he wanted an excuse to glimpse the sunset up close rather than through a window, y'know because it was a bit effeminate to just go on a drive to a nearby park and watch the sunset.. yeah? So when he opened the door, he glimpsed the sky first. Personally, well, if he was the type of person to like pretty things, which, of course he... wasn't, he would prefer a sunrise, they were so much more rich. Yet, this evening the blue sky was still present, but muted. However it had not lost any of its gorgeous hue, and the wisps of clouds and the streaks of pink and that orange centre cracked open, spilling out warmth into the sky, all of it made him fall in love with sunsets. And this pulchritudinous (he learnt that one when he was 15, and then proceeded to take the mick out of it for 1 year straight with the help of Wilman) silhouette encapsulated in the sunset was James. Jeremy blinked, not at the surprise of seeing his co-presenter, but at the beauty, the almost cliché feeling of the moment. It felt.... permanent, in his mind, that is, something he would never forget, and it felt surreal, but in the best way. James smiled at him, a good, handsome smile, his eyes gooey with the look of love, and the walls all the way down. A perfect moment.  
  
Until of course the clumsy spaniel ruined it all.  
  
"After this morning's palava, we didn't get to finish our coffee's and I know you know how I feel about franchised coffee, but you said it was your favourite.."  
  
And while James was waffling on about the economic benefits of a coffee franchise trumping consumer happiness, he tried to walk into Jez's house. It was, Jeremy thought, a rather simple task, he had been able to do it fine every day of his life, but of course James had no coordination. Whatsoever.  
  
I know what you're thinking. Oh, and then he spilt the coffee everywhere and then they would have to take their clothes off and then Jeremy's fantasy would be fulfilled.. etc etc. Oh what a cliché, oh what a trope, I hear you cry.  
  
Of course that wouldn't happen, at least that's what Jez thought. This couldn't possibly happen. But then, it did.  
  
James fell, as if his very atoms wanted to mate with those in the floorboards, and very nearly dropped through the hole in Jeremy's chest that was _surely_ being being formed by the searing heat of two grande caramel macchiatos. Death was definitely plaguing the orangutan's mind in this situation, he could already picture the gravestone message and the headlines. Why did he have to die like this??? It felt like such a patronising way to die! And whilst Jeremy was having a more-hotter-than-usual extestential crisis, James had swiftly gotten up, removed his shirt, located two fresh ones out of the dryer and had already started unbuttoning his idiot co-worker's shirt.  
  
Jez was mumbling, he was seeing the light!  
  
"James, I need to tell you something"  
  
Said James, held his tongue, bit his lip, and tried not to laugh. He nodded attentively at Jeremy, instead.  
  
"I'm, I'm a bit of a, well I'm a homosexual, a gay, a puff, a fag-  
  
James opened his mouth to reply, with something, maybe laughter or shock or... words? But Jez cut him off  
  
"I'm a puffter, a fudge-packing, cock-sucking... man who likes other men, except not really... homosexualist for you."  
  
That's when James closed his mouth, all mirth long gone, seriousness etched across his face.  
  
"I'm, well James, I'm a bit of a James May-sexual, and I, and I like you. I really like you, so much more than I should."  
  
James took a moment to think, his hands idly moving, slowly and absent-mindedly, across Jeremy's chest. He looked at Jez, truly looked and although the former felt a little too mcuh in the spotlight, he was just glad James finally saw him for who he was.  
  
James shook his head, but before Jez could interpretate it in a bad way- or was it good?- or speculate - or theorise, James spoke.  
  
" You really are an idiotic, silly, stupid, unimaginably moronic pillock."  
  
That's when he began to laugh, uncontrollably, that swallowed-a-goose laugh that did something to Jez that he could only just about admit to himself.  
  
"A "James May sexual", my God Jez, you are such a pillock.."  
  
As doubt started to creep into his mind, it was made moot as James lowered his head to his and whispered, softly  
  
"But you're my pillock, regardless."  
  
Jeremy started up a little, in shock probably, banging heads with James only causing more laughter, but from both parties this time. And as the laughter faded, it was replaced with something else, something passionate, heated. Jez mused that it was more heated, in fact, than any coffee known to man. And though he felt something carnal, something burning in his chest (in more ways than one), he knew it would last. He knew this would stay, this love, between them, for as long they were. As they kissed bare chest against bare chest, Clarkson wondered why he hadn't ever done this before. He couldn't say, and didn't care to say, all his thoughts were on the heat of James's lips against his own, but if he was a betting man, which he wasn't, he'd bet some metaphor about coffee and tea would write itself into his column.

  
Or something like that.


End file.
